


Shed Feathers and Tears

by Blizzardz_uwu



Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Arguing, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Out of Character, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-09 15:49:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19890367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blizzardz_uwu/pseuds/Blizzardz_uwu
Summary: A couple of years that Conductor and Grooves have spent together. Plain at first, but then you dig deeper into their own personal thoughts.





	Shed Feathers and Tears

**Author's Note:**

> Just needed to get some angst outta me. Kinda out of character and vague as peck. Thank you to my fren on discord for the title uwu
> 
> I also kinda rushed myself in the end I worked on this all day. Also possible AU content.

_ "Only the first day. . . Nothing to be nervous about. . ." _

_ That's what Conductor kept telling himself on his way to the studio. All the anger and bitterness from the day before had melted into a tight knot of anxiety in his stomach, making him feel as if he were sick. What was the matter with him? He's not usually this anxious about something small. He hadn't been in a long time. _

__

Conductor halted. In front of him were the doors of the studio. Once he walked in, he'd have no excuse to go back out. He grumbled to himself. "What's wrong with you? Just get in there!" He cursed at himself. He still didn't believe that it would be fine. Not one of the million times he's told himself have convinced him.

__

He stepped through the doors and into the reception. His heart beat faster as he saw none other than DJ Grooves at the reception desk. The exact reason why he had been so angry the day before. That Moon Penguin had gotten the same deed to the studio. He was getting in the way of Conductor's goal. ~~He's just another reason for his father to-~~

__

Conductor shook his head. He can't think about that now. Not while he was already so nervous. He paced forward, hardly able to breathe with his heart at 50 miles per hour. Grooves caught his eye and smiled. "Good morning! Conductor, was it?" 

__

The owl forced himself to make eye contact. "Um. . . Yes. You're DJ Grooves?" He ended up mumbling. He expected Grooves to comment about it, flattening his ears and averting his gaze. Grooves only softened his smile and nodded. "I guess we should go start recording. I'll see you later, darling."

__

With that, the penguin turned and called to his crew, heading towards his set. Conductor stared after him for a bit. That whole interaction didn't end up as bad as he thought it would. What did he think would happen anyway? 

__

Conductor snapped back to reality. Turning around, he called to his own crew. Several thoughts bounced around his head. 

__

_ He didn't have an idea for his movie yet. He still wasn't used to the place. He doesn't know any of these birds. He only had the chance of luck- _

__

He turned his head toward Grooves' side of the studio. He should've wished him luck. Conductor found himself staring again, unsure of what he was thinking. He headed back to his own set doors. Grooves probably already got a lot of good luck wishes. He didn't _need_ to know Conductor wished him too.

_ \-- _

A few years had passed since then, thus letting a tense rivalry grow between them. Friendly chats at the reception transformed into big arguments or small bickerings. All the fighting was mainly focused on their movies, though. It was rare it ever got personal. 

__

Of course with the stress of movie-making, some bad habits were developed. But what did it matter? No one has said a thing about the ungodly amounts of alcohol Conductor has had and they surely haven't noticed his feathers, have they?

__

Conductor grimaced as he thought about it. The pecking bald spots on his arms that serve as unfriendly reminders of what he does to himself. But a few breakdowns weren't much to anyone else, were they? Everyone minds their own business. Don't worry about the tiny things someone hides under their sleeves. 

__

Conductor shook his head to clear his thoughts. He shouldn't be thinking about it at work. He got up from his seat and headed towards the door. He needed to get on set.

__

Something caught his eye. It was a mystery how, for it was long worn out and honestly blended in with the wood of the desk. A small leather journal, with a rusted clasp lock. It was so familiar to him. The several scratches on the front and back with torn pages inside. 

__

He picked it up from the desk, almost unconsciously. He could feel all the emotions coming from it. What he wrote in it would never leave him, varying from unspeakable sadness to aggression that was all directed towards himself…

__

Conductor scoffed and dropped it back on the desk. Who cares about what he wrote in there? He exited his office, trying to claw the thoughts from his head. Those thoughts shouldn't interfere with his performance on set. 

__

\--

__

Grooves knew something wasn't right about Conductor. The owl was constantly distracted by something. He was always scratching his arms. Don't even get him started on the bald spots he has noticed multiple times.

__

Anxiety. That's all Grooves could come up with. That's all that could fit. Did Conductor even know? Grooves sighed. He knew it wasn't something he should really get involved in. He knew from experience that sometimes getting involved into something only makes the situation worse. Anxiety is no better. 

__

It was unusual for Conductor, however. He seemed so confident in what he does. That his ideas would always work. Whatever ideas he comes up with behind that office door. Speaking of which, the owl director was heading outside for-

__

Oh god, not that. Conductor had gotten a bright idea that the character he plays in his movie has to jump from one car of the train to the next, and repeat. Though Grooves agreed that it would bring more action into whatever situation it was, he insisted that they use some kind of editing instead of actually jumping while the train moves. Yet of course, Conductor rejected that.

__

. . .Grooves clenched his hands into fists. Oh, had he wished Conductor went with his option. The recent news silenced the studio. There hadn't been much happening on Conductor's set and Grooves couldn't handle recording with the eerie quiet next door. 

__

He spent most of his time sending gifts and cards to Conductor, who hadn't seen them until after a couple of weeks. Despite the nice appearance of all the gifts, Conductor couldn't help but think that his rival didn't mean it. A little accident on set wasn't bothering his movie, why would he care? 

__

Maybe if he just told Grooves his thoughts, the penguin wouldn't have to do this. 

__

No. Grooves didn't need to know that.

__

\--

__

Only seven weeks later did Conductor return from the hospital. Keeping his head low forced him to bear with the fact that he was limping. Even after he was back, the studio was quiet. Conductor hated it. Every second of it. Every second that was spent talking about him or what happened.

__

He hated it more when Grooves had started talking to him more. One accident and all of a sudden he mattered to the penguin. 

__

Conductor knew he shouldn't have spoken out about it. It only led to an argument worse than all their other ones before. This time it got personal. Revealing too many things out of anger felt like the end of the world for Conductor. 

__

_ "That's always your solution, isn't it? To do nothing?"  _

__

_ "Is that what I said, Grooves?" _

__

_ Conductor swore he could hear a small voice in his head begging them to stop, but it was too quiet to be voiced correctly. Some bits of the argument came as a blur, skipping from one segment to the next. _

__

_ "I had to beg you, every step of the way!" _

__

_ Blur. _

__

_ "You went lurching for one-" _

__

_ Blur.. _

__

_ "What was your alternative, Conductor? Other than picking apart everything I did?" _

__

_ Blur... _

__

_ " 'He just wants attention!' "  _

__

_. . . _

__

_ "-And I'm failing!" _

__

_ "No." _

__

_ The tone of Conductor's voice startles Grooves.  _

__

_ The penguin falls silent. _

__

_ Eyes flickering, making it hard to see. There was only one failure there. One colossal failure. Not Grooves. Never Grooves. Grooves didn't deserve this.  _

__

_ " **I'm** failing."  _

__

_ It comes out as a whisper. Conductor would've shouted it out if he had the strength. Conductor didn't want to let Grooves carry the weight of his mess.  _

__

_ Grooves lifted the journal. That damn journal. "Darling, this is clearly my fault." _

__

_ No. Not anymore, this feeling in Conductor's chest, this giant mass of hurt, building and building and building. Conductor couldn't hold it in any longer, this guilt, pain, and anger, climbing down his throat, strangling his gut, seizing his entire being totally and completely. _

__

_ His body was now shaking. He couldn't go on with this inside him. Try, fail, try. He shuts his eyes and- _

__

_ "You don't understand. . ."  _

__

_ He holds his breath, trying to freeze time, thinking if he could just keep the air inside his lungs forever, maybe he'd never have to face what came next. But he breathes, because he's weak and he must, and he opens his eyes, and Grooves is staring at him with bewildered eyes, and Conductor knows it's only begun. _

__

_ What he said next was another blur, but then there's suddenly a hand on his cowering back, Grooves'. Conductor shrinks away from him, ashamed, and yet also wishing he'd never let go. How can someone's touch do that? Help and hurt all at once? _

__

_ "----------------------"  _

__

_ The unthinkable. Who could believe it? Who could do it? This poor bird, his trust in Conductor. The thought of it stings his eyes. One drop. And then another. The mass inside leaking out. _

__

_ He was a sickness. A sobbing, shaking sickness. Infecting the penguin next to him. _

__

_. . . _

__

Not much was remembered from that night. Shouting. Crying. Hell in a single moment. Yet it had fallen to something more calming than anything Conductor had experienced. All he knew was that Grooves got him a therapist after that disaster. 

__

There were some pieces of advice Conductor never took still, but it helped him at least. Not much had happened for a couple of years.

__

But what did Conductor expect? One argument always had moments of calm before the next. It took some time to stray away from personal problems and get back to the source of their original arguments. Their movies. 

__

The therapy was right on time for Conductor's first silver trophy, and he would have reacted a lot worse without it. That doesn't mean his reaction wasn't bad at all. He nearly drank himself to death that night and had to be dragged home, all while ranting about how it was rigged or the judges were wrong, the story changed every few seconds in Conductor's head, and it made for something interesting to see and remember.

__

None of it really mattered the next morning. They didn't need it in their heads anyway.

__

\--

__

~~_ "-like I don't even exist." _ ~~

__

~~_ "They take care of me. . ." _ ~~

__

~~_ "They're not your parents, Anthony. That is not your family." _ ~~

__

~~_ "They're nice to me. . ." _ ~~

__

_ " ~~Oh, they're lovely, lovely people."~~ _

__

_ " ~~Yes. . ."~~ _

__

~~_ "They don't know you!" _ ~~

__

~~_ "And you do?" _ ~~

__

~~_ "I thought I did." _ ~~

__

\--

__

What happened in the end? When she left?

__

\--

__

~~_ "What do you know about me, Grooves? You don't know anything about me. You never even see me." _ ~~

__

~~_ "I am trying my best, darling." _ ~~

__

~~_ "They like me! I know how hard it is to believe. They don't think that there's something wrong with me. That I need to be fixed, like you do!" _ ~~

__

~~_ "When have I ever said that?" _ ~~

__

\--

__

Once again, blurs. 

__

\--

__

~~_ "I have to go to therapy, I have to take drugs-" _ ~~

__

~~_ "I am your friend, aren't I? I have to make sure you're okay!" _ ~~

__

~~_ "I know. I'm such a burden. I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you. I ruined your life!" _ ~~

__

~~_ "You!" _ ~~

__

_. . . _

__

_ " ~~You are the only. . . The one good thing that has ever happened to me, Anthony."~~ _

__

_. . . _

__

~~_ "I'm sorry I can't give you anything more than that, darling." _ ~~

__

~~_ "It's not my fault that other people can." _ ~~

__

\--

__

Something happened to one of those birds. Something everyone thought he was straying away from since he got therapy. There were still so many things he had left to say to Grooves. He wanted to say one last snarky comment. A small thank you. He wanted Grooves to have a good life without him.

__

But he didn't _need_ to know that.

__

**Author's Note:**

> I'm alive actually. I left Considered For Crime off on a negative note and I apologize for that-


End file.
